are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
