It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
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