I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
