I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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