I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
