You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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