I can't breathe out the right side of my face
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
