I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Randomize
