We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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