You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
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Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
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I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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