You're a womanizer and a bitch.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
