but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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