Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
