I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
