u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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