I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
