No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
