you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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