I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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