2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
