hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Is Oprah even human
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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