I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
