I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
