There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
