My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
