I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
