I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I didn't notice because vodka
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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