I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
