So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I need a beard to bite.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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