last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
