Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
