me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
