Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
