My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Randomize
