please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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