Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
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