Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Randomize
