I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Best friends brother. Beat that.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
