I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
