I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
