now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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