I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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