Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
