nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
