I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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