Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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