I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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