I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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