oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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