just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Randomize
