I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
