I can text with my tongue
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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