All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
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You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
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ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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