I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
