you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
and she was petting her beer can
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
