note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
