your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
