matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.