New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
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Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
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feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?