Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.