Christians are straight up FREAKS
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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