I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
