You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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