you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
