you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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