Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
