I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
